Princess Charming - A Fairy Tale

I think I’m…

Was all that she said

But I knew what It meant

I dreamed something like this would happen

I’ve been in that position

I was the ONLY one in that position

Forever

An eternity it seemed like

Now it was happening to me

I was so nervous

She wanted to say it

But held back

Almost like a dream come true

My princess charming

Has finally come to take me to the castle.

Proposition 8

I really haven't tackled current affairs in my blog and left it pretty limited to smut and more talk of the smutty actions that I partake it but after finding out about Proposition 8 being voted on, I feel that I have a responsibility to say something.

I am a 29 year old queer femme (or femme-ish, i do have butch qualites). I guess I define myself as femme by my gender pronoun which is a "she". I'm single though to tell you the truth I am more hating it than loving it.

I am highly sexualized, but incredibly intellectual and full of wit, which does intimidate fellow queers. In addition to being a giant nerd (mostly of pop culture and trivia), and burlesque performer (which also intimidates future lovers), I don't take myself seriously. I'm mostly asinine and silly and have a love affair with giggling and the word giggle itself.

I have gone through two horrible breakups this year, my problem is that I rushed and that I love to be in love. I love to cuddle up to a beautiful woman after we make love. Don't get me wrong, I love to fuck, but making love to someone, having them inside you and staring at you sharing that beautiful moment...that is what it is all about for me.

A thousand and one tears this year have been cried over women that have broken my heart. I have become or at least attempted to become jaded just so I wouldn't have to feel anymore, but that is truly the worst thing that you can become.

Even with this one girl who i am kinda seeing or at least at this point getting to know better, I am still scared of it blowing up in my face, and am taking things at an alarming slow speed. She may be the one, she may not be, but what I do know that I want is companionship, i want a partner, a lover, a best friend.

I want to be able to find someone, that amazing person that I am truly and deeply in love with and propose to her. I want to have that option.

What WOULD happen if such a thing were to come into it's own for me? Especially if I lived in California.

I wouldn't have a chance, my civil rights would be blocked because of laws and propositions. I will never have the chance to marry the woman i want.

Now yes there are states in which you can do this, but it would only be legal in THAT state and until NY State or NJ for that matter pass that law, it wouldn't count...at least for me.

I want to get married, have that special partner adopt my fat kitties and grow old together. I want to have that option.

It is so easy for heterosexual couples to get married, and even easier to get divorced. Why can't me, a beautiful lesbian with so much love to give, be denied this?

I am so angry and so hurt that California, a place that advertises it's state as "Find Yourself Here", would play the "Indian Giver" game on civil rights for thousands if not millions of LGTBQ residents.

When will we have the chance to have the same rights as heterosexuals? Why are we CONSTANTLY denied and CONSTANTLY have to fight for our rights? Hasn't this gone long enough? 

November 4th was an HISTORIC day, and people do want change. As I was watching Obama's post-election winning speech, he made this beautiful mention. “Young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled”  He said the word "Gay" it as if it was the most natural thing to say, as if one would say hot dog, or peanut butter. Clearly he get's it, why can't the rest of us?

Why can't we all get it? 

Change

We definately need it....congrats to Obama!

In other news, I found out that Prop 8 was voted for in California....now all same-sex marriages between May 15th and November 4th have to fight with the Supreme Court to keep their marriages. It really is a shame. Plus I just found out that 51% of people living in San Francisco DIDN'T EVEN VOTE!!!! WTF! San Fran! You should be ashamed!

Many thanks to the 49% who did vote in SF! 

Now we wait...1..20...2009

The Objectification Of Stripping

So if you didn't know already, I am a burlesque performer here in the NYC area, really living in New Jersey of all places unfortunately. I have a strong love/hate affair with jersey in which the hate part usually wins when it comes to performing since I always have to leave so early to get there and leave so early to make sure I get home.

I enjoy what I do immensely, it's my livelihood. I treat it with respect and I hope that others treat it the same. However, we do not live in a perfect world and that isn't always the case.

Lately I have been dealing with objectification in greater amounts than usual. Hell I have been dealing with complete assholes if you don't mind me saying, and although I handle myself with composure and class, the thought of punching them in the face has crossed my mind more than a few times.

The one misconception of burlesque is that we are all sex-crazed exhibitionists. I have had those words put into a bullet and fired as ammunition on more than one occassion. I get treated less than a person becauase I'm considered a sex object. Sometimes it's fun to be fetishized in the bedroom, but I'm not looking for a one night stand, i'm looking for quality and endearment. 

Now someone can successfully debate that using the slogan "The NC-17 of Burlesque" invites such behavior to which I can successfully debate that the slogan used is not for sexual shock value, but to demystify the objectification of what IS sexual.  Of course not everyone will get my onstage persona and I don't expect them too, however I have the right to be treated with respect.

Men can be such offenders of objectification such as the one gentleman who thought it best to tell me he had an errection while watching me on stage. I simply responded with "I'm Gay" but it's not the point here that I'm trying to make. I've had men take pictures of me only to find out the ONLY shots published were ones of my breasts. I've had men relentlessly pursue me after performances that left me feeling incredibly uncomfortable. I've had men try to TOUCH ME after performances! I''ve had men objectify me to the point where I am like a sex doll to them and nothing more.

It makes me uncomfortable and it makes me sick, but truthfully...men are not the biggest offenders. Women are.

Women will act sexual or try to be sexual but they "aren't naked" or they aren't "this or that" so it's ok. Women are the ones who will trash your body type on stage. Women are the ones who will talk behind your back negatively and then sweet talk you in person.

Not that this is a trash women only blog, but this is a wakeup call for me at least. It's to remind me that you're friends may not be your friends. That the movie Mean Girls may have made some sense!

Regardless, once again I have gone off topic. It's so hard to write when you have such A.D.D. such as mine. Maybe it will help me develop my writing style...a style that makes no sense whatsoever! LOL

What I am ATTEMPTING to convey in this blog is that objectification can come from anywhere, and sometimes we are not that safe. It has gotten worse, at least in my eyes recently to where everytime I perform, i get some douchebag all up in my face, or some girl giving me nasty looks. Just because I am confident and comfortable in my own sexuality and with regards to my own body, doesn't mean I should let people like that affect me.  However it will happen and continues to happen, almost to the point where I feel sexually harassed.

The world in which we live in is still a puritanical one when it comes to sexuality and for some reason it never affected me when it came to coming into my OWN sexuality. I never felt ashamed, no matter how hard I beg future lovers to pee on me or fuck me in the ass. It's just who i am and I love myself.

I guess we all live in insecure times, and that insecurity makes others lash out onto those who are confident. Maybe me getting on stage and rocking it makes people hate me? I don't understand it, but it could be possible. Maybe it's my comfortability with my sexuality that gives the men those errections and makes it think that it's possible to date me? Who knows? 

but seriously....will it end? It's kinda getting on my nerves!

The Secret Lives Of My Sex Life

or as I like to put it, let's reopen that pesky file box cleverly hidden inside my head called "Who I've Slept With"

Now of course I won't divulge any real information, names, etc. I respect everyone's privacy, even if they turned out to be nutty, plus there would be legal ramifications...boo!

I gave them all "special" names, so that I could keep track of them, so I can archive them somewhere where it wouldn't be lost in a sea of "Does this one count?, How About This One?"

To date, I don't actually remember when I first lost my virginity to a girl. I remember my first girl kiss, but not my first girl fuck. It was all a haze back in my sex club phase so it get's foggy from time to time.

Ok so I remembered one more girl...I wonder how more I will remember along the way. I say we go down memory lane and take a look at what I have infiltrated thus far. Perhaps I'll write more details stories about them from time to time. These are the characters that built up my whole sexual history of who I truly am. They should not be discounted because of it's relation to sex, but should be looked at in a timeline perspective.

Toy Girl

She could have been my first real girl fuck other than that finger threesome i got into with two girls. I love toy girl. TG (for short) and i used to play around a super long time ago, and it was with her that I experienced mutual masturbation for the first time, and boy oh boy was it fun! I actually still bring this memory up when i masturbate and it never fails to get me off!

Scorpio Psychotic

She was fun, she was wet, she went batty after our second time fucking...even Toy Girl warned me against this one. The best was after we ended our sex affair, she told me that the only reason that she hooked up with me was because she read a blog that i wrote about not getting any and felt bad for me...oh boo hoo!!!!! Le Sigh

Side Note: This is only the beginning of the assholes I have dated and fucked over the years.

The Event Girl

She was one of the first girls I fell in love with, and fell for her I did...HARD! Like most of the girls I was attracted to at the time, she was stuck up, self centered and had a killer body....we ended up going to a sex club together and partaking in an orgy, after which our friendship died a most horrible death. At least the sex was fun....

Orgy Girl

Part Two of the Orgy, I went down on this girl...total ONS (One Night Stand)..but fun...great tasting!!! :D

Submit Girl

Girl I fucked on a swing sex chair at a lesbian sex club...took her viginity by vaginally fisting her....giggles

Virgin Girl

Friend whose virginity I took. Lot's of fun...got amazing reviews of my work afterwards from other people..is still good peeps!

Butch One Night Stand Girl/Boy/?????

Met the butch and Snapshot, she took me to her Park Slope abode, had very bad sex...eep! Like put LUBE on your dick!!!!!! 

The Fuck Buddy Girl

Hookup that I met on FACEBOOK of all places! Was cool, had hot sex at the LGTB Center in NYC. Then turned batty, was convinced that I gave her a STD even though i've been tested over and over and over and over again and STILL come up negative! I even have the certificate of health to prove it! Also wanted to go out with me but refused to be my girlfriend because I do burlesque. Huh??? How does that even begin to make sense?????? Le Sigh

The Virgoian He/She

What can I say about this one...the ONLY amazing thing about this was the sex...hands down. I came better, i came fast...I just CAME in general! I learned ALOT about myself sexally, what I like, what get's me off...etc It was a great learning experience but unfortunately came at a heavy price of guilt trips and me having to deal with the horrible actions of an alcoholic who hit rock bottom.  After all the bullshit, after all the hurt, I still cared. I still reached out with open arms that were filled with love. Then I was told that after the last time we made love, that she knew that we weren't compatible. A bullshit line and ultimately made me realize that she never cared about me at all....another asshole in the books and this time..a coward! le sigh

The Anonymous Girl

Ok so this is a RECENT current...like a few days old fresh. She is the FIRST girl that I have slept with who is younger than me. I ALWAYS go after older women and never go after younger girls..but this one I like, and this one I'm still getting to know.

She got to know me pretty well, 4 orgasms later with a twist of female ejaculation. I made her ejaculate and orgasm twice and her orgasms are pretty fun to watch. Actually they really excited me. It was like watching a cataclysmic explosion, you see the calm before the storm, you see the winds begin to pick up speed, hear the crashing roars of thunder, feel a bit frightened at the intense lightening in the sky until at one point, you feel like the world just tumbled into your storm and scattered itself into millions of tiny pieces. All the while you are watching from a safe distance and watching with glee.

She is absolutely beautiful btw dear readers....very hot...and yummy...and delicious...and I must confess, I am writing this entry about her after I got myself off and had a lovely morning orgasm as usual. She possesses the most fantastic ass I have ever seen, like I could play with it all day long...hmm mmm I think the more I write, the more I will have to start playing with myse..........

ANYWAYS, the point is, I can see myself and how I have changed and progressed throughout these women, the women who make up my timeline, the women who I have learned from, and ultimately learned about myself, the magical 10 that actually thought I was worth a damn to conquer in bed. The very few that taught me how to relax and have amazing orgasms in bed, the ones who made me ejaculate, made me sing and scream for them. The ones who will always have a place in my clit.

Who says history has to be boring?

The Numbers Game...

So...how many people have YOU been with?

This question always get's me, it's not that I'm ashamed or want to keep things a secret but difficulties arise when I actually start to go back and take a head count.

According to my calculations, 5 males entered me between the timeframe of 18-22. However 10 females rocked my world between 21 and on. Somehow I always thought i was in the 17-18 total range, shows you how amazingly talented I am at math!

These do seem like low numbers...quite low...it even seems...pathetic!

Now I do have to calculate the fact that before I was rockin' and rollin' with the females since my coming out back in december, I didn't have sex for 4 years prior to that during my transitional "am i queer am i not" phase. However before that, there was my "sex club" phase, and there were some other encounters during that time and before that time that puzzles me.

Now here comes the tricky part. What actually constitutes the number of sexual partners counted? What constitutes the naming of someone in that list? Does it have to be full on full sex? Or could it be a random affair with fingers? 

A discussion (or more like a friendly debate) ensued on this topic about a month ago with a certain ex of mine. She was adamant that things like blowjobs or heavy petting in sex clubs counted in my numbers. I on the other hand was on the opposition, adamant that it wasn't. Things like blowjobs don't count.

Then I realized if I actually DID count these Miscellanious category, that my numbers would be GREATLY changed from a virginal 15 to close to my 30's! Eeeep!

Ok so now i'm trying to do a full count, because I never counted all that...because it never counted in my head...and now i can't remember which makes my angelicness seem like the devil in diguise.

1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10............

I really can't count... i give up

So dear readers, what do you think? Do you think oral sex ONLY with a partner when i was 16 and slutty counts? A random finger fuck in a sex club with 2 girls on top of me? Random strangers I used to have come over my parents house when I was 17 and naive and discovered America Online chat rooms count? I mean he did cum on top of me. Does that random blowjob I gave this kid at school when I was 18 who had like the smallest dick I'd ever seen count? How about the intense makeout session with 3 other individuals or that other threesome of blowjobs i gave? 

I honestly think at this point that i've FORGOTTEN all these encounters...especially the straight ones with bio-males. I mean all the crazy blowjob and random encounters occured when i was 16-18 and I never gave it much thought afterwards. I was playing a game of russian roulette from being so shelted and such a good girl when I grew up that when my parents were away, I would become a dirty slut with an angelic face. It was my thing for awhile that got me off, before I realized that men were only used at my disposal and that they never really got me off, just filled an empty void because I was lonely and depressed at the time. I guess this is what happens when you are a loner you're entire life, at least in my case.

Not that I'm bitching or whining, i'm more in question of how people count there numbers? I'm still on the fence, but I'm wondering if i'm doing that because I want to be in denial and still a good girl or as I have been called before a "fake ho", which I needed to wikipedia that one because I never heard it thinking it was a an insult but rather a compliment because I'm not the type that sleeps around (now), and as I grow I realize how sacred sex is and how I want to share it with someone special, not another one night stand to get me off (barely) and give me a temporary boost to my self-esteem.

Maybe I'll just tell people 20 from now on and leave it at that! Now I truly understand why the whole Bill Clinton "Is Oral Sex, Sex?" thing in a WHOLE new way!

The Abscense Of Being

I've just started to build some readers and then poof, not a word written by me for over a month. I do apologize dear readers, it's not that i haven't had any new material, it's just that I have been experiencing so much that I haven't had time to process nor write about it.

I am single once again, but I fear that I was never taken to begin with, or perhaps I was taken by charisma and great sex and I thought it could be something more because of a wonderful connection that in my mind seemed to be blooming with each days passing.

When it was good...it was really REALLY good, but when it got bad...it turned ugly. It turned into a monster of horrific proportions, one that I became terrified of.

There was a point where I felt like I was walking on eggshells because of the personal problems or demons that she was battling. I tried so hard to be there and help, but it was never good enough. I felt like she wanted 100% of my time. What puzzled me is that she professed that everything that was outside of her work and her business came second. I however saw the opposite of this and felt the harsh brunt when she told me that she was tired of coming in second in my life. I didn't understand that it was ok that i came second in HER life but that she had to come first in MY life.

She was the first of many's. She was the first orgasm that I have ever had outside of masturbation. She was the first person I ever made love with, she was my first out of body sexual experience. I felt so close yet so vulnerable but in this amazing way.

It was after we departed and after she moved cross country that she revealed to me that after our out of body experience love making, that she realized that we weren't compatible and that was the reality of it.

It broke my heart...SHE broke my heart...I didn't understand how someone could be so cruel. I didn't understand how someone could say that they loved me and that they would never abandon me and how much they cared for me, could say that? I felt beaten up emotionally, I felt discarded.

What really bothered me was that it came from someone who has dealt with some serious issues concerning abuse...and even rape. To this day, to have someone do to someone what they could not emotionally handle from others, and do it so easily...really made the hairs on my body stand on end. It gave me chills.

Then there was the issue of alcohol abuse, and how it affected everyone around her. When she drank, it was like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. She became this person who was downright scary and completely rude to those around her. The final straw was when she became drunk at a HUGE show i was performing at and began pushing people (my friends) out of the way to heckle performers with dollar bills that she was waiving at them and distracting their performances. She spit on me and everything I have worked so hard for because of her own problems, but then she expected me to be there for her?

I was so busy with performing and being nervous since it was a huge event that I didn't see anything, all I heard was that someone got kicked out of the venue by two security guards. It was then where several eyewitnesses and sources helped me put the puzzle pieces together to figure out exactly what had happened, when I found out the whole story, I was simply disgusted.

Even with all the disgust, I still cared about her and hoped that she was doing well in the new town she moved too. I still wondered if she cared after the mess she caused but instead of realizing that people care about her, she shit on me all over again saying how I didn't care or how I was never there for her. I was hurt because I was there for her, but she didn't let me in to help her. You can't block people from helping you and then turn around and complain that no one is helping you. It just doesn't make sense.

I felt that after the comments were made with very little apology for her actions, that I have to let her go and hope that she realizes the problems that she causes in her own life, and REALLY does work on them instead of blaming everyone else and calling them abusive. I really do wish her the best in her life.

As for me, I am busy exploring new ventures and new places, and sometimes old faces that have resurfaced in my life. I want positivity and not babysitting of others problems, I want connections without heavy prices to pay and great sex without bullshit to follow. I come first in my life because in the end I have to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else and that is the way it should be.

At least I came out of this relationship alot better than my last...phew! :D