Vaginal Parasites

Sometimes I wonder why I write in this blog. Why I started it at all. A rush of fears and OMG's flood my head as I ponder how much I should have revealed. Granted, this blog only focuses on a specific part of my life and doesn't encompass the entirety that is me.

I probably could have written that a little more slicker, something that falls out of the tongue a little more fluid, but for today I'll focus on a little bit of drama that is outside the sexual realm and with a little more heart.

My heart as I mention it, has been broken. I can safely say that it really wasn't broken at all. It was pulverized, dismantled, smashed, de-constructed, thrown against a wall, raped, beaten, and destroyed.

They (plural), have no names to me anymore, they are mere vaginal parasites that have thankfully found one another and in a way I am thankful for that. However since there is a link between them and my best friend, I can't fully eradicate them 100% until she wakes up and realizes what disgusting pitiful creatures they really are and eradicates them for herself.

I can't control anyone but I can control how I interact with others. However I have learned a valuable lesson throughout this entire ordeal that has been happening since December now. I have learned to let other's friends BE there friends and not interact with them fully. It sounds confusing but I am sure we have all been there. I have also learned NOT to go after someone through a friend, especially one that has been intimate with. I hate to divulge personal info about others...but this is a matter of learning from my mistakes.

My punishment was an ordeal of such heartwrenching pain, that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I felt alone and abandoned and discarded...but it was ok..because it wasn't "their intentions to hurt me". It was perfectly alright, because I am "too sensitive" and that i need to work on myself. Now I am not perfect, but I also don't play mind games, manipulate and deceive people. I am honest as one gets.

The mere gall of hurting someone then making them feel bad for feeling bad still goes over my head. The fact that I let it happen, that I let the vaginal parasites deceive me time and time again, that I constantly went back and tried to work things out thinking that I could better myself FOR THEM...still blows my mind.

They say you only and truly fall in love once...but for me, i fell in love back to back twice. I would have done anything, I would have packed up everything that is this life in Jersey and went anywhere. I was that captivated.

Now all i am is an empty shell, some may view that as starting over, but for me I have no idea where to start at all. I have no idea where to go. I feel like Alice from Alice in Wonderland, just searching for a way home but instead getting lost in a maze. Maybe like in the movie Labyrinth. I keep on searching out hidden corridors only to find myself stuck at the beginning.

I'm yearning to heal in the arms of a woman, but right now I don't even know if I can get close to one right now. This vagina, heart, body, soul is lifeless. If I thought I had trust issues before this, then I was naive. I don't even know if I can trust anyone anymore...let alone myself.

I know this is all part of the healing process...but what if i can't heal? What if this is it for me. What if I am doomed to forever remain single and more importantly sexless?

Perhaps this blog ended as quickly as it was started.....