The Abscense Of Being

I've just started to build some readers and then poof, not a word written by me for over a month. I do apologize dear readers, it's not that i haven't had any new material, it's just that I have been experiencing so much that I haven't had time to process nor write about it.

I am single once again, but I fear that I was never taken to begin with, or perhaps I was taken by charisma and great sex and I thought it could be something more because of a wonderful connection that in my mind seemed to be blooming with each days passing.

When it was good...it was really REALLY good, but when it got bad...it turned ugly. It turned into a monster of horrific proportions, one that I became terrified of.

There was a point where I felt like I was walking on eggshells because of the personal problems or demons that she was battling. I tried so hard to be there and help, but it was never good enough. I felt like she wanted 100% of my time. What puzzled me is that she professed that everything that was outside of her work and her business came second. I however saw the opposite of this and felt the harsh brunt when she told me that she was tired of coming in second in my life. I didn't understand that it was ok that i came second in HER life but that she had to come first in MY life.

She was the first of many's. She was the first orgasm that I have ever had outside of masturbation. She was the first person I ever made love with, she was my first out of body sexual experience. I felt so close yet so vulnerable but in this amazing way.

It was after we departed and after she moved cross country that she revealed to me that after our out of body experience love making, that she realized that we weren't compatible and that was the reality of it.

It broke my heart...SHE broke my heart...I didn't understand how someone could be so cruel. I didn't understand how someone could say that they loved me and that they would never abandon me and how much they cared for me, could say that? I felt beaten up emotionally, I felt discarded.

What really bothered me was that it came from someone who has dealt with some serious issues concerning abuse...and even rape. To this day, to have someone do to someone what they could not emotionally handle from others, and do it so easily...really made the hairs on my body stand on end. It gave me chills.

Then there was the issue of alcohol abuse, and how it affected everyone around her. When she drank, it was like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. She became this person who was downright scary and completely rude to those around her. The final straw was when she became drunk at a HUGE show i was performing at and began pushing people (my friends) out of the way to heckle performers with dollar bills that she was waiving at them and distracting their performances. She spit on me and everything I have worked so hard for because of her own problems, but then she expected me to be there for her?

I was so busy with performing and being nervous since it was a huge event that I didn't see anything, all I heard was that someone got kicked out of the venue by two security guards. It was then where several eyewitnesses and sources helped me put the puzzle pieces together to figure out exactly what had happened, when I found out the whole story, I was simply disgusted.

Even with all the disgust, I still cared about her and hoped that she was doing well in the new town she moved too. I still wondered if she cared after the mess she caused but instead of realizing that people care about her, she shit on me all over again saying how I didn't care or how I was never there for her. I was hurt because I was there for her, but she didn't let me in to help her. You can't block people from helping you and then turn around and complain that no one is helping you. It just doesn't make sense.

I felt that after the comments were made with very little apology for her actions, that I have to let her go and hope that she realizes the problems that she causes in her own life, and REALLY does work on them instead of blaming everyone else and calling them abusive. I really do wish her the best in her life.

As for me, I am busy exploring new ventures and new places, and sometimes old faces that have resurfaced in my life. I want positivity and not babysitting of others problems, I want connections without heavy prices to pay and great sex without bullshit to follow. I come first in my life because in the end I have to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else and that is the way it should be.

At least I came out of this relationship alot better than my last...phew! :D

All's well that ends well

It comes up, a tiny blue light flickers a bit while warming itself before settling. A raised bump of black plastic uncovers a tiny lens, almost like a clitoris emerging from it's hood. It's connected to my laptop, a tiny webcam enabling vast kinky pleasures to be explored with people throughout the internet..or a possible sneak preview before a prospective date. With the click of my mouse, I'm able to power up the intricate engineering of Yahoo Messenger, and I invite her to play.

With gentle prodding and poking, I'm able to position the the camera so that it rests at the perfect angle. I'm about to sit facing her and she tells me to turn around. I do as I am told as I love a woman who is aggressive and dominant only in the bedroom. Today however, she would have to seduce me on my living room couch. I get in position and place two pillows between me and the couch. I'm on my knees but I'm comfortable. My ass extends out and is perfect. It's comprised of two giant circles of flesh and shows no flaws. I tease her a bit as I run my right hand over my ass and begin to spank myself. She instructs me to move more, to bounce, to make my ass bump and grind. With the instructions given, I begin humping the two pillows separating me from the couch. As I hump more, my ass begins to bounce, it soars up into the air then comes crashing down. It was such a magnificent sight that I almost wish I had taped myself doing it so I could watch the amazing aerodynamics later on in private. My clit starts to feel that special tingle so I thrusted my pussy into the pillows some more. My fantasies were focused on the thought of humping her leg, like I did that one time and afterwards masturbating on several occasions thinking of the racy encounter. Knowing that she was watching me right that minute, sent me overboard.

I was almost at peak. Just a few more minutes I thought to myself...

BUZZ

At first the sound didn't startle me, in fact the sound kinda turned me on some more as i was thinking she wanted me to start using my vibrator.

BUZZ

For those of you who have Yahoo, you know about that buzz button to get someone's attention to for general annoying usage.

I turn around, she is trying to get my attention. She tells me to sit and that she has to talk with me. I tell her I want to finish and she tells me no.

NO? What?

She wants to talk because she is concerned over my blogging and my sex life apparently. Actually it wasn't so much that she wanted to talk as she was accusing me of being the biggest slut in the east coast and demanded that I tell her information about things that had no relevance to her whatsoever. After the accusations and AFTER rudely interrupting me and after her feeble attempts to make me out to be dishonest due to her own serious trust issues, she informed me that we would discuss it that Saturday when we had planned to go out on a date (or as I like to call it, two people going somewhere together)

and after ALL this unexpected and unnecessary drama, the ONLY thing I could think about...the ONE thing completely terrorizing my mind and body and soul was...

YOU FUCKING INTERRUPTED MY ORGASM!!!!!!!!

No one, and I mean NO ONE interrupts my orgasm. It takes me long enough as it is to cum, and I was about to break a pillow humping record for shortest time ever! That's a milestone! That's a miracle! Who is their right mind, thinks that a girl will go out with them, let ALONE sleep with them after they interrupt them sexually, start yelling at them and throwing accusations, and not to mention trying to constantly treat me as if I'm lying and holding back information from her.

I told her to fuck off, closed the chat and cam windows and angrily masturbated to finish myself off as quickly as possible. It wasn't even about pleasure at that point, it was about spite. I don't ever recall masturbating out of spite but there is a first for everything and right then and there, there was not even a single glimpse of positivity in that orgasm. Some people might consider that hot, and angry sex can have it's benefits, but in this case, if my orgasm was a weapon, it would have shot bullets like it was a machine gun.

After i finished, and cleaned up, I went out to the city and got drunk, missed my bus, stumbled to my friends place all the way in Queens that took over an hour to wake her up to let me in, and didn't sleep while leaving a mere 2 hours later to take the morning bus. Not the best of evenings but I eventually made it home and into my bed.

I fired my fuck buddy that day..over a deal breaker that should have never been broken in the first place. The moral of this story? Never interrupt an orgasm...and you shall be rewarded with multiples of your own

Currently accepting applications for new fuck buddies: Must be female, open, safe, clean, sane, and sane. Oh also a giver of orgasms and someone that knows when and when not to open there mouths. Plus I really like to watch and be watched, oh and someone who is into anal ;D

How Not To Get In My Pants: Volume 1

When attempting to introduce yourself because you have added me on a networking application such as myspace or facebook, it is very important to showcase a positive attitude and general cheerful disposition. Careful planning such as insertion of compliments via said email systems can help greatly when trying to garner attention from a lady.

Now this is not to say I am in any way better than anyone, but taking great care in how you approach a person can help one in the process of getting into my pants, or perhaps the pants of another girl.

One example is to email and maybe tell me what nice pictures i have, or that you have looked at my videos on youtube of my burlesque performances and you loved it (hint I just love compliments on my own work!) Compliments, Compliments Compliments!

Perhaps buy me a drink and wine and dine me. I just love it and you will get more than you bargained for at the end up the night!

It's a simple solution no? Well perhaps this girl that emailed me today thought a different approach would work.

"you seem a very interesting person. i'm an artist myself, but unlike you, i would much rather please my viewer than shock them...

Tell me more about yourself"

Did she think insulting what i do would send me flying into her arms? Needless to say she will get no response but in my fantasy world where I can say whatever it is I please without fear of repercussion or consequence or more drama in my already drama filled world. My perfect response would be the following.

"Hmm myself? Well I love cats, and wonderful conversations with open-minded individuals that instead of insulting me, would want to know more about what i do.

To please the audience is something that i don't quite agree with, it is the ultimate form of complacency that as an artist who believes that art is about crossing boundaries and experimenting, would be the antitheses of everything that i stand for.

Thank you for your inquiry but you fail...

Have a great day!"


I really think the exclamation point is the heart of the response....