The Abscense Of Being

I've just started to build some readers and then poof, not a word written by me for over a month. I do apologize dear readers, it's not that i haven't had any new material, it's just that I have been experiencing so much that I haven't had time to process nor write about it.

I am single once again, but I fear that I was never taken to begin with, or perhaps I was taken by charisma and great sex and I thought it could be something more because of a wonderful connection that in my mind seemed to be blooming with each days passing.

When it was good...it was really REALLY good, but when it got bad...it turned ugly. It turned into a monster of horrific proportions, one that I became terrified of.

There was a point where I felt like I was walking on eggshells because of the personal problems or demons that she was battling. I tried so hard to be there and help, but it was never good enough. I felt like she wanted 100% of my time. What puzzled me is that she professed that everything that was outside of her work and her business came second. I however saw the opposite of this and felt the harsh brunt when she told me that she was tired of coming in second in my life. I didn't understand that it was ok that i came second in HER life but that she had to come first in MY life.

She was the first of many's. She was the first orgasm that I have ever had outside of masturbation. She was the first person I ever made love with, she was my first out of body sexual experience. I felt so close yet so vulnerable but in this amazing way.

It was after we departed and after she moved cross country that she revealed to me that after our out of body experience love making, that she realized that we weren't compatible and that was the reality of it.

It broke my heart...SHE broke my heart...I didn't understand how someone could be so cruel. I didn't understand how someone could say that they loved me and that they would never abandon me and how much they cared for me, could say that? I felt beaten up emotionally, I felt discarded.

What really bothered me was that it came from someone who has dealt with some serious issues concerning abuse...and even rape. To this day, to have someone do to someone what they could not emotionally handle from others, and do it so easily...really made the hairs on my body stand on end. It gave me chills.

Then there was the issue of alcohol abuse, and how it affected everyone around her. When she drank, it was like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. She became this person who was downright scary and completely rude to those around her. The final straw was when she became drunk at a HUGE show i was performing at and began pushing people (my friends) out of the way to heckle performers with dollar bills that she was waiving at them and distracting their performances. She spit on me and everything I have worked so hard for because of her own problems, but then she expected me to be there for her?

I was so busy with performing and being nervous since it was a huge event that I didn't see anything, all I heard was that someone got kicked out of the venue by two security guards. It was then where several eyewitnesses and sources helped me put the puzzle pieces together to figure out exactly what had happened, when I found out the whole story, I was simply disgusted.

Even with all the disgust, I still cared about her and hoped that she was doing well in the new town she moved too. I still wondered if she cared after the mess she caused but instead of realizing that people care about her, she shit on me all over again saying how I didn't care or how I was never there for her. I was hurt because I was there for her, but she didn't let me in to help her. You can't block people from helping you and then turn around and complain that no one is helping you. It just doesn't make sense.

I felt that after the comments were made with very little apology for her actions, that I have to let her go and hope that she realizes the problems that she causes in her own life, and REALLY does work on them instead of blaming everyone else and calling them abusive. I really do wish her the best in her life.

As for me, I am busy exploring new ventures and new places, and sometimes old faces that have resurfaced in my life. I want positivity and not babysitting of others problems, I want connections without heavy prices to pay and great sex without bullshit to follow. I come first in my life because in the end I have to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else and that is the way it should be.

At least I came out of this relationship alot better than my last...phew! :D