Vaginal Trials

Getting tested is never an easy thing, but it is the ring of fire we must go through for our past actions...some which we may have regretted.

It's really the one thing that we can NOT try to weasel our way out of. The one thing that we must take accountability for, At least in my opinion.

So yes I have a new sex partner, maybe even a dating partner...not sure of the actual specifics of terminology...and yes I am playing things that way. She makes me feel fuzzy and more importantly she makes me cum like no one has ever before..the energy being passed between the both of us is an out of body experience.

I can talk about how amazing she is all day but after amazing sex, after a plethora of amazing orgasms over and over again and as I lay in silk lingerie on my bed after she has left, reality sinks in.

The one good thing about her is her honesty. Before we even slept together the second time (yes the first was a bit drunk but still hot! see my blog Animalistic for those details) we had discussed our sex partners and the last time we were tested. I started the conversation outright once I realized that what I thought was a one-night stand could turn into regular sex! GREAT sex at that! I had been tested more recently than her back in May after a possible scare from one ex-fuck buddies imagination. Now you know WHY that one was fired!

We slept together a few more times, more than I have ever slept with someone since I am super famous for One Night Stands. That makes me sound more like Debbie Does Dallas but I'm really a good girl, I've just haven't met anyone that I wanted to do a repeat with. Though in the interest of my health, I do have a policy that with all new sex partners, whether it is a one time thing or on the regular, I get tested.

So on Monday morning, I headed over to the Fort Greene Department Of Health in Brooklyn and got it all done.

I know we are all there because we are being responsible...or realize that we weren't, but it is the most daunting and awkward position when you first enter the room, take your number, and sit down. You are instantly being stared at, and judged. Sitting in this sea of collective judging, the criteria are based on class, status and appearance, and as you are sitting down, you yourself are scanning the area looking at everyone who is staring back at you. The hospital white walls make the wait even more pleasant and uncomfortable.

You notice that most of the patrons are starting at the flatscreen television watching Safe Sex programming and instructions on how the STD clinic works. As you look clearly, and into the heart of it all, you realize that they are all reflecting on their lives and mistakes while using the television as a diversion. I guess that is truly the American way.

It is then that you realize you forgot all about the urine test. You realize that after your morning pee session, you didn’t drink anything because you were rushing to get out of the apartment. You remember that you have performance anxiety about peeing in public, and there are a lot of kids…A LOT. You see a water fountain surrounded by an obnoxious child in equally obnoxious pigtails who won’t give it up and you become self-conscious about taking so many trips up to the water fountain. You attempt to rationalize to yourself that all the shots in the world and relevant STD’s have no standing on urination. You realize you are on a tight budget this week and can only afford Metrocard fare to get to and from your destination rather than the big bottle of water that you so desperately need. You also realize that you will have to make a conscious decision to become the “weird” girl in order to complete your task. You NEED water intake!

They call my number finally and after that I only wait a few short minutes before they call me again to get registered. I am handed the dreaded cup, bulb syringe and container to put my finished pee in. I gather some strength, have a huge gulp of water at the fountain and head towards the bathroom.

Is it at this time where every mother and their child decide to come in, and everyone is loud. My performance anxiety over peeing is at its peak, and there is nothing releasing itself from my body. I frequently get out of the stall to let other people use it and when they look at me weird, explain to them that I can't pee and am waiting. I mean at this point my strange behavior owed them at least some sort of explanation, since I was in there for some time. When all the mothers and screaming children had left, the only cup that i had to drink from was the pee cup..and NO I did NOT pee in it while drinking. I started loading up the cup from the sink and the only water coming out of the sink was warm water. So as I am doing warm water shots over and over again, walking in and out of the stalls, walking in and out of the bathroom to walk around, going back, doing more shots, back in the stall, trying not to think about her because i end up getting aroused and want to do something else in the bathroom and then having something else coming out that would not be pee...it was a whole struggle between me and my vagina and with extreme time constraints.

After my lecherous adventures in vaginal turmoil and purgatory, the water shots finally gave in and I was able to fill the container. Who cares about a shot after going through that battle! I instantly felt relaxed and sat back down, not having a care in the world as to who was judging me for my time gone. I could now sit, stare at a wall and eavesdrop.

There was the queer butch who was going to jail (and who was checking me out) in the next week with her friend, a mother to a child that would not stop touching the water fountain...most importantly with her lollipop. Her other friend that talked loudly on her cell phone right next to the sign that said "NO CELL PHONES", which I thought was the definition of irony. The group of 18 year olds who ended up leaving because waiting was apparently too much for them. The girl on the swim team who was there for a physical (she didn't talk but it was apparent), and the girls who were so into their own world that when there number was called like 15 times, THEN decided to get up and walk very very very very slowly. There were other random people, but quite forgettable to be honest.

About 4 hours after I walked into those hospital white walls and sat down. I am called into the little room or as I like the call it “The room of the potential nervous breakdown” and present my ID to the nice woman attending me. Confirmed Negative for HIV once again and I am relived. Though, I honestly wasn't worried this time because I do take caution and take care of myself, but it's always better to be safe then to be sorry.

I get my results printed out and walk out of the clinic feeling so rejuvenated, I rush back home to wait for many good things that arrived at my doorstep that evening.

In conclusion, yes my vagina and I battled today, I won...of course because I always do...but damn at least if I write ANYTHING in this blog, it's to remind me to drink water !!!